I hate to admit it, but when you live with a mental illness there are probably things you/we need to avoid–things that can upset the stability we have fought so hard to find. First, let’s break it down a little bit.

Using Addiction as an Example…

Let’s use the example of addiction. I know a thing or two about addiction. When you are in recovery from addiction you are told, wisely, to avoid ‘triggers’.

A recovering addict often has to avoid certain places, specific people, even little things like the music we listened to when we were using. The reason is as simple as it is complicated: An addict can be reminded of the drug’s they used if they find themselves in a place that they abused drug’s in.

If they run into people they used with–that’s a trigger. An addict usually has to change their entire life in order to become sober –and stay sober. Often, a person newly diagnosed with a mental illness has to do the same.

In The Realm of Mental Health What is a ‘Trigger?’

First, let’s assume you have achieved some stability. That was hard enough, but things don’t get a heck of a lot easier–yet. You now have to analyze your life. You have to ask yourself: “What do I need to do in order to stay well?”

Often, this involves eliminating possible triggers, such as…

>Alcohol. It’s usually a good idea to completely eliminate alcohol. Or drastically cut back. Alcohol affects the same part of our brain that we are working so hard to keep balanced!

>Research over the counter medication. Even medications such as Advil or generic cough syrup can have a negative impact on our mental health recovery. It can upset a newly precarious balance.

>Stress! This one is important and I probably do not need to tell you this, but I do want to stress the importance of limiting stress.

>Negativity. We all have people in our lives who don’t support or understand our illness. We don’t need them. They can cause stress and trigger relapse. Stick with the people you trust.

>Isolating yourself. I have written about this before because it’s important. Really important. Feeling alone can trigger relapse.

Learning self-care–and it really is something you need to learn– is crucial to sustained mental health recovery.

Mental Health and Self-Care

Before you are diagnosed with a mental illness, life was probably pretty hard. You probably thought it wouldn’t get any better, and when it does, when the blackness begins to lift, you find yourself needing to make positive changes in order to stay well.

These are obvious practices, they are not complicated when writing or thinking about them, but they can be hard to integrate into your life if haven’t done so before. Like anything else, it takes time and practice.

>Eat well and on a regular basis. Medication cannot work properly if you do not nourish your body. Don’t forget water.

>Find a regular sleeping pattern. This is one of the best things you can do for your mental health. Our mind needs rest just as much as our body does. If we don’t give it that, it can trigger relapse.

>Exercise. We all know this, but do we actually do it on a regular basis? I have a 130lb year old monster of a dog that requires a heck of a lot of walking, but before this, it was a struggle.

>Research your illness. But avoid masses of online literature. It’s confusing. Ask your doctor for literature.

Self-care is different for all of us, but practicing it, and avoiding triggers can keep us stable.

TW: depression, codependency, obsessive-compulsive disorder

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I’ve been going to Depression-Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meetings since January. These have helped me so much, it’s nice to have a space to hear/say things about mental illness openly. While most of the people in the group suffer from a form of bipolar disorder (I, II, schizo-effective etc.), I’ve still gleaned a lot of good ideas on how to manage my depression better.

Last night we discussed how often what our bodies and minds tell us when we’re feeling depressed are actually the complete opposites of what we should do. We should get out of bed, we should put down the alcohol, we should pick up the phone, we should take our medication. But when your in a state where your mind is in a fog or simply too exhausted, it’s hard to distinguish what’s productive from what’s your disease/condition. 

Here’s some of the ideas we came up with to work better schedules/recoveries for ourselves:

• Start small, it doesn’t matter. Whether it be a goal for the day, week, or month, work toward it.
• Stay on a schedule as best as you can, especially when it comes to sleep and taking your medication.
• Do things for yourself and your recovery and don’t feel guilty about not being able to explain/justify them to other people

Long story short: Saturday sucked as much as I thought it would. I constantly kept on thinking how happy I was to be on antidepressants during the entire thing because it made it bearable to get through and distract myself through hostessing. 

There’s something about being set up or deceived that makes me feel like I did something to deserve it because several people had to agree to do what they did to me on Saturday. It’s incredibly hurtful to have people tell you they don’t like how you’ve been treated only to go completely out of their way to accommodate a person they know has been cruel to me. I don’t get it. Perhaps there is nothing to get, because judging by the conversation on Saturday I’ve been allowing my mind to be polluted with some of the most juvenile and anti-intellectual conversations with these people. I don’t feel like competing in a race over who spent the most money on Fiesta dinnerware or fancy wrapping paper. I almost feel like no expectations is too much in this situation, I need to expect the worst. 

For better or for worse, I held it together at the party. I also cried for the majority of an hour and a half car ride because I finally have enough self-esteem to think I deserve to be treated better than I was at the party. Crying on antidepressants is some ways is a gift, it means I’ve finally cleared away so much of my codependent tendencies to be upset for myself for once. I also can stop the “what if it wasn’t intentional” game in my head, shit clearly was intentional. So two more events and I’m pretty much walking away from this entire thing because there’s no way in hell I’m compromising my health and my character anymore.

I go to meetings organized through this organization. This is probably the best thing I’ve done for myself this year.

So last night in a somewhat pathetic attempt to pretend I don’t care that people will judge me for taking care of my mental illness, I publicly checked into a mental hospital where I attend meetings last night. I don’t know who noticed or not (nor do I really care), but at the same time I had known for the last five times I’ve driven up to Cobb County not to do what I normally do when I go out.

And to be frank, I’m also not terribly comfortable with mental healthcare facilities as a concept. Images from Running With Scissors, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Prozac Nation and Girl, Interrupted come to mind when I think of the words “mental hospital” or “in-patient psychiatric unit” or whatever label someone at the hospital gave to it. Despite my own experiences and knowing that for the most part the treatment options are the best that they’ve ever been for people like myself, the social construct of mental illness and mental health care seems impossible to change. I’ve been making jokes about another hospital in the Atlanta area, Charter Peachford, since I was nine years old. They used to play commercials for the programs they have there and they were mocked heavily throughout my adolescence. Perhaps this too has helped me internalize stigma about living with mental illness and seeking treatment for it.

However, once I realized I needed to actually talk to people outside of my therapist’s office about my experience, going to a hospital was my best option. They know how to run the meetings and organize everything. They train former patients to be facilitators. Perhaps not all hospitals are as well run as Ridgeview, but I’m also no longer afraid of the idea of being hospitalized if I were to be a patient there. People do well after their programs. Everyone I’ve encountered there has been kind and willing to help me find whatever room I need to be at for meetings without judgement. It’s a lot less scary or sterile or depressing than I anticipated.

As for the meetings, it’s so nice to be able to talk openly about my experiences and hear from other people further in their lives that I can make this work. It’s good to be assured hat there are so many more resources and treatment plans than ever before, that things really can be managed. I like feeling hopeful about the future - that I could get married and have someone support me through this journey without having to miraculously overcome my illness. More importantly, we don’t pity ourselves. Everyone at these meetings is working toward something, even if it’s just working on not giving up. The solace I’ve found in a place that is most often presented in the most negative light makes me look forward to realizing other paradoxes and hypocrisies in this life.

In a way I’ve been participating in Lenten practices since the beginning of 2012, giving up things to gain more of myself back. Phase 1 on reclaiming my life has gone really well, I’m feeling a lot healthier physically and mentally.

Phase 2 is going to be harder. Lent for me is now not representing just me becoming better acquainted with Episcopal traditions, but is also falling around events involving people I know aren’t invested in treating me with the respect I deserve. I’m not looking forward to having to spend so much time, energy, and money on a wedding shower, bachelorette party, and wedding with people who don’t want the best for me. The next 40 days are going to be me facing a lot of things I don’t want to face. But by the powers of cognitive behavioral therapy, anti-depressants, and a new found appreciation for organized religion I’m going to try to make the best of it.

So in preparation of dealing with immature people, trying to be a better person myself, and generally trying to make the world a little nicer I’m going to try to do the following things:

• Give up alcohol (outside of communion) as it’s often allowed me to feel more comfortable in situations that are emotionally unhealthy
• Do something that shows my appreciation to my family members daily
• Show my appreciation to my dearest friends through letters and care packages since most of them live far away currently
• Volunteer as much as possible
• Make myself available to my new church community
• Be assertive but kind in social situations where I’m likely to be treated poorly

I’ve been on medication for 25 days now, and my mindset has changed so much. So many of the extraneous thoughts from my OCD have faded into the background and I’m able to focus on myself and being well.

While I’m still frustrated with a lot of aspects of my life (jobs, questionable friends, etc.) I’m no longer so preoccupied on what’s bothering me. I can focus on the future now. I can ignore the passive aggressive comments in e-mails. I can keep my phone on silent and not feel guilty about it.

Having this time at 24 to move toward cognitive and neurological health has already changed my life for the better. I’m worrying less about other people’s expectations of me and instead working on the bigger issue of finally figuring out what I want. More importantly, I don’t feel guilty for taking the time to become well.

Small steps are adding up. I’m going to support groups, being more assertive and outgoing, and reconnecting with those I know are empathetic, passionate, and creative. I’m not denying the fact I want a Ph.D. anymore, instead I’m being open about how scared I am of the process of obtaining one. I can see the strength I have in being emotional and am acknowledging that there’s nothing wrong with being a person who needs things to feel right rather than look right.