There’s something strangely empowering about posting online anonymously and having people say they agree with your emotions. I’ve spent so much of my life around people who’ve told me not to feel, but when I’m online people are okay with me being a giant emotional mess. I feel golden and weightless and hopeful.
“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”—(via she-hulk-smash)
So begins the week of bitching about wedding stuff. I apologize in advance, but with each passing hour I’m becoming more aware of planning I was intentionally left out of. It’s a level of bullshit I’m not interested in dealing with, but I’m going to have to so tumblr my outlet of choice.
“You’re going to discover that conversations are best at 4am. The heavier the eyelids, the sincerer the words. Those are the talks you’ll remember. It’s ok not to know the answer and silence is not awkward. It’s shared, so share it more often than not.”—Jeff Stuckel (via ladiebear)
“Ever since puberty, ever since I was 11 or 12, I’ve had cyclical depression. That’s something that has been a defining feature of my life as an adult. It’s manageable. But it’s real. And it doesn’t take away from my joy or my work or my energy, but coping with depression is something that is part of the everyday way that I live and have lived for as long as I can remember. … Depression for me, you can’t distract your way out of it. … When you are depressed, it’s like the rest of the world is the mother ship, and you’re out there on a little pod and your line gets cut and you don’t connect with anything. You sort of disappear. And so it’s not something you can talk-therapy out of. It’s really a chemical thing. You get adrenaline from work, but adrenaline is not a cure.”—Rachel Maddow on depression (via nprfreshair)
So, I’m sitting in my room crying right now. I feel so embarrassed by this, even though I’m by myself. I went out for a walk earlier this morning to get some exercise and see my feline friend, but once I came home my across the street neighbor came over and rang the doorbell. These people never come over unless it’s to complain, so I’m guessing someone in my family is going to get an earful on how our lawn looks or how they don’t like my mom’s easter decorations.
It just really sucks living in a place where people just go out of their way to be judgmental. When my parents were separated, our homeowner’s association filed a ton of complaints about house maintenance despite the entire neighborhood (and seemingly our entire town) knew that my dad wasn’t helping out and that it was financially impossible for her to fix these things. No one offered to help despite the fact so many people were randomly calling my mom trying to get information on their divorce so they could gossip about my family more. When I was paying for my mom and brother’s groceries, I tried to contact some people and churches locally to help them out and no one did. I’ve been gossiped about for having depression and people love to make fun of my brother for simply not going to college and struggling in school. We were pretty much shamed out of all social relationships or organizations because of gossip about my parents and my brother. I guess this whole thing has triggered me to thinking about all the bad feeling associated with my parents separation.
I hate being judged, I hate that people in this neighborhood don’t see me or my family as people, and I hate that I let something like this get me so upset.
ATLANTA - A distraught mother says that all she wants is justice for her teenage son, who was shot and killed by security guards just minutes away from his home in metro Atlanta on Saturday night.
Candy Grimes, who insists her son was unarmed, wants police to arrest and prosecute the men who killed 18-year-old Ervin Jefferson. Officers have said that the killers are two private security guards.
Jefferson’s family and friends claim that all he just trying to protect his family late Saturday night, before he was killed in cold blood.
Jefferson’s mother alleges that he ran outside their home on Pleasant Wood Drive, Dekalb County, Georgia, towards a crowd of people who had driven up in at least two cars, and were threatening his sister.
“We heard gunshots,” Candy Grimes said in an emotionally charged interview with WXIA, theNBC-affiliate in Atlanta, “I seen the dude in the green shirt shoot my son. I seen the guy, he had two hands, and he shot my son.”
Grimes said that, as soon as her son was shot, someone else drove a car into him. “By the time I got down there, the car was on top of my son. He was literally under the car.”
Jefferson suffered a gunshot wound to his chest and was transported to a local hospital, where he was pronounced dead. Jefferson was the father of a baby girl.
Police have confirmed he was gunned down by security guards from the Village at Wesley Chapel Apartments, located just down the road from Jefferson’s home. The shooters told police they left the apartment complex to check out a suspicious car at about 10:30 p.m, when they heard gunshot fire.
If, indeed, police confirm Jefferson was unarmed, then some may say the case has parallels to the tragic death of Trayvon Martin, who was shot and killed by self-appointed neighborhood watch captain, George Zimmerman.
There are still many unanswered questions regarding the Jefferson case, and DeKalb County Police Department said the investigation is on-going.
Authorities have released the following statement:
DeKalb Police responded to a Person Shot at the incident location. The responding officers located the victim suffering a gunshot wound to the torso. The victim was transported to an area hospital, where he was pronounced dead. The on scene investigation revealed the victim was shot by security guards who were checking out a suspicious vehicle. The investigation is on-going at this time.