there’s something truly obnoxious about having longstanding insecurities about how you look…which make you want other people to re-assure you about how you look…but then never believing the reassurance because you used to be friends who made passive-aggressive digs about your appearance….i still harbor so much resentment toward the friend who called me plain looking in ~the name of friendship~ and how despite ending the relationship, her toxic words are still stuck in my head…
Moving to Washington means, among other things, accepting that unless I want to spend more than 50% of my federal wages on rent that I need roommates. Craiglist is a bountiful source of ridiculous and creepy people, but today I found a rare treasure in that someone had written fan fiction about their roommate experience as part of their ad, which features a suspiciously gorgeous house and insanely low rent.
Onto the fan fic though:
The following is an e email from Manny, a federal government official who is assigned to a new location for his job. With his permission, I pasted below FYI about the place.
David, This is to formally give you 30 days notice of my intent to vacate my rental unit at [redacted] Travilah Road. I plan to move out by May 26, 2013.
Thank you for allowing me to join what I consider a brotherhood at your house. Despite the diversity of the tenants’ backgrounds and professions, the group seems to come together nicely into a cohesive team, whose members all look out for and care for one another. When I first moved in, I thought that the rent is so low — there must be something wrong with the place (!!). Since the house is obviously beautiful and well-kept … I concluded that the problem must be with the other tenants. So, my plan was just to lay low and to keep to myself. Because I leave for work very early and come home late anyway, I figured I can avoid interacting with the others.
It turns out I was absolutely wrong! It turns out that everybody else is pretty much in the same boat as I am. I found out that everybody else is a dedicated professional, who love their job and work long hours. I found everybody to be collegial, respectful, and have workaholic tendencies (in a good way). The gentlemen who are living (or have lived here) include doctors, military officers, investment bankers, CPAs, deputy sheriff, construction foremen, etc. It has been a wide-ranging and diverse set of tenants, but we all seem to have particular things in common: we are all generally neat, quiet, organized, and conscientious. We all have the “we’re all in this together” attitude and help out each other when we can.
For example, when Jason got into a car accident and his car was totaled, the other tenants helped him by providing rides for four months. When Garrett moved out, he left me a six-pack of beer in the fridge. When my son visited from college, everyone made him feel very welcome. I know these are just little, simple things. But these little things make a big difference, especially for someone like me who is separated from his family because of his job. My experience here validated my decision to live in a group home rather than to live alone in a single apartment (which I could have easily afforded).Ultimately, I’m not saying that tenants have to immerse themselves into this “brotherhood.” The space is certainly large enough — and people have their own separate lives — that it is easy to just keep to ourselves. But it’s always nice to have the luxury of being able to choose.
I would highly recommend this house to any professional looking for a quiet place to live among other respectful professionals. In fact, I have mentioned this house to two others at the FDIC. They may be calling you soon (Leo Madrid or Gerald Bocar).
“And how hard is it to land even a minimum-wage job? This year, the Ivy League college admissions acceptance rate was 8.9%. Last year, when Walmart opened its first store in Washington, D.C., there were more than 23,000 applications for 600 jobs, which resulted in an acceptance rate of 2.6%, making the big box store about twice as selective as Harvard and five times as choosy as Cornell. Telling unemployed people to get off their couches (or out of the cars they live in or the shelters where they sleep) and get a job makes as much sense as telling them to go study at Harvard.”—"Why Don’t the Unemployed Get Off Their Couches?" and Eight Other Critical Questions for Americans (via seriouslyamerica)
Salome dances her dance of the seven veils,
The men all eye her like wolves on the hunt, this beautiful girl
finally undressing for them. Finally they can see her
exactly as they want to.
The first veil drops.
In 2007, Kim Kardashian’s ex-boyfriend
released their sex tape against her will.
Kim Kardashian, rather than hide in shame
Used the publicity to promote her own career.
Salome moves like a dream half-remembered.
Salome dances like a siren song. All the men ache
to see the hot sugar of her hip bones.
The second veil drops.
In 2014, Kim Kardashian walks down the aisle
As the whole world watches. If only all of us
were so successful in our revenge.
If only all of us stood in our Louboutin heels
on the backs of the men who betray us,
surveying the world we created for ourselves.
The third veil drops.
Kim Kardashian knows exactly what you think of her.
She presses the cloth tighter against her skin
Her smile is a promise she never intends to keep
We can almost see all of her.
Salome shows us her body
but never her eyes.
The fourth veil is dropping.
The four things most recently tweeted at Kim Kardashian were
@KimKardashian Suck My Dick
@Kim Kardashian Can I Meet Kanye?
@KimKardashian Please Fuck Me
@KimKardashian I Love You. I Love You.
Women are told to keep their legs shut.
Women are told to keep their mouths shut.
Some women are kept silent for so long,
They become experts in the silent theft of power.
The fifth veil has dropped.
Kim Kardashian made $12 million dollars this year
Yesterday, uncountable men in their miserable jobs,
told their miserable friends that Kim was a “dumb whore”
Kim Kardashian will never learn their names.
The sixth veil has dropped.
The seventh veil has dropped.
And Salome sat beside King Herod. And he swore unto her
“Whatsoever thou shalt ask of me, I will give to thee
unto the half of my kingdom”
And she smiled, and said
“Bring me the head of John The Baptist.
Punish the man who hurt me”
-feel the weight lifted off your shoulders as you refuse to conform to impossible beauty standards and choose to love and respect your body as is. Ah, just feel the pressure melting right off you! I feel so light and free
-stop texting that piece of shit
-start ignoring people who make you feel bad about your body or are just generally unappealing troll people. Look for the kinds of slugs that like Terry Richardson or say anything bad about Mindy Kaling, or don’t give you any of their fries. That’s 120-160 pounds of easy weight loss right there, just watch it slip away as you get into a bikini and prance all around.
-clothes are around 2-3 pounds, so be naked and do naked things with a cutie
-honestly, it’s summer and you don’t need a 4 pound statement necklace at this point in time
-please, please put down the puppy you are dognapping. That is not your puppy. Please join the party now. I will forgive this but not forget, and be mindful of all puppies around you from now on.
-finish the plate of nachos you were holding. That’s a quick one pound weight loss there, look how easy that was, so simple and nice
-pee out the 4 margaritas you enjoyed on a nice hot summer day, just pee it all out baby
“On numerous occasions, Prince has refused Yankovic permission to record parodies of his songs. Yankovic has stated in interviews that he has “approached him every few years [to] see if he’s lightened up.” Yankovic related one story where, before the American Music Awards where he and Prince were assigned to sit in the same row, he got a telegram from Prince’s lawyers, demanding he not make eye contact with the artist.”